well

Long post coming . . here's a summary so you can skip accordingly if you want: Part 1: Reverse culture shock is a biyatch, this whole thing still sucks, and I'm frustrated about my inability then and now to step outside myself. Part 2: Responding to a few comments. Part 3: Max Payne 2 on X-Box.

1.
I've had very little to say these days. You know how it is, or you've heard how it goes: You get home, and after one 20-minute conversation, most people are done hearing about you and your stuff. Sort of like describing a really good painting: largely futile and never doing it justice. I'm going to try not to swim in self pity and splash it all over you, because that's just annoying. Part of the frustration is that for most of the people around, I'm the only representative of all of this beauty and confusion and crappiness, and so once again it is all about me. I can't show or impart to anyone the true essence of "Bangladesh," and I imagine that when I try, it sounds more cute than real. I've often made real things into cute things and even more often framed my experiences to make myself look charming and "courageous." Right. Sure, there's the garden-variety guilt that I can eat pizza and candy on my couch, drink water from the faucet, take a 20-minute hot shower and find a job within days. But moreover I feel like the only person who has benefitted from my shortened PC tour has been me. Many have consoled me about the eviction from Bangladesh, and often they add something about how great it was that I went in the first place. Oh, if only I could show you how far from great I was, and how much life and wonder I've wasted. I yelled at my host brother Shamol on my last day in Bangladesh, simply because he laughed when I was irritated about something else. I ignored phone calls from Azad, sometimes on a daily basis because I was too lazy to pick up the phone and just talk for 1 minute with him. I hardly ever talked to the children running around my neighborhood yelling FOREIGNER! whenever I passed by. I often pretended I couldn't understand their Bangla in order to avoid having to make real contact with them. I usually had somewhere more important to be, like buying furniture for my large, subsidized apartment.

I feel utterly unqualified to be the sole representative of the people I met in Khulna to the people I know in America. Even if I commit my life to humanitarian service, there will still be that dream of sticking it out in B'desh for the 2+ years that probably will never be realized.

I'm thinking about going back, on my own. Only problem: as sick as I got under the watch of a PC doctor, what would I do without one? If anyone wants to go with me, I will marry you.

2.
Sophie: Thanks. That felt good. And I like the way you write in your blog.
Chris: I already e-mailed you.
Irina: I like your name. Sorry for times when I was pretty insensitive/ignorant about your culture.
Luke: Good point. And thanks. And Calen Moerman was phenomenal, thanks for the recommendation.
Jason: Been reading about Kiss Me Kate. Can't wait for the GWoT.
Maria: Thanks for not saying something like "everything happens for a reason." Concert for B'desh DVD gladly accepted.
Gerard Matthews: I e-mailed you. Are you in Mexico? I think yes.
Anonymous: Cousin Dave?
Jack: (raises eyebrows)
Christy: Thanx. Family kissed. Hope you and Rave are well.
Gabe: Call me a negative nancy, but I think you have to be a doctor for that. On a related matter, I now wear glasses that resemble the ones you were wearing when we were both at Dordt.
Dave: I'll bet you do. NICE TAT. (That's insider-speak for tattoo.)
Kristin: Thank you. I will.
Reuben: Thanks for expressing that. It's been hard to think of anything to say after coming back home (even though this post is giving War and Peace a run for the money). Things seem so run-of-the-mill now.
Justin: Hey. I was disappointed by the first couple of songs on X&Y--kinda cheesy lyrics--but I like several of the other ones. What d'ya think about that? You big Coldplay fan you.

The encouragement you people have given has been a real comfort. For reals.

3.
Went to the Sizzler today with the fam. If anyone's looking for fat people, most of them are hiding there. Well, not hiding. Eating. I played Max Payne 2 on X-Box for an entire day yesterday. The ending is really sad. The enigmatic sexy heroine dies instead of vanishing into the night like she should. But supposedly she helped Max find out "who he really is." Which seems a little trite. (Wow. I think my posts are going to get really boring from now on.)

Things I perceive upon coming back: Lots of obesity; people getting worried about things that don't matter; I'm no longer a celebrity; I can see why people are fat because we can eat ANYTHING we want; I'm spending so little time actually outside--it's either in a car or in a house or in a store or in a car. Or a house. (semicolon) It's nice to discover I have more patience now. In B'desh you have to get used to everything taking longer. It's more important to spend quality time with your friends than to keep a schedule. In other words, in Idaho it's rude to be late. In Khulna a it's rude to say "I'll be late, I have to go." Something like that. Made for a great excuse for someone who's always late anyway. And by someone, I mean Boy George.