Pneumonia, in the Study, with the Candlestick

This is the post I hope my parents don't read.

I just can't seem to catch any really cool diseases. The bronchitis hasn't really gone away, and now it looks like I might have pneumonia. But they're not sure. And, um, yeah, there's a "spot" on the X-ray. Now this probably isn't a big bad "spot," in fact, it's probably just an irregularity on the film. But nonetheless I get to cough my phlegm into a special cup that resembles something from an alchemist's lab. I've been getting fevers (not too bad, usually 102 or so) and don't have an appetite. And tomorrow--you guessed it--they're going to collect some of the discharge from the other end. Oh, and I've lost weight. I now weigh less than I have since high school. But that's deceiving since I've only really lost 14 pounds. Unfortunately, 14 pounds off a skinny guy is like 58 pounds off of some portlier gentleman.

All that said, I could be a lot worse. And they had Top Gun on cable last night at the fancy hotel, so I'd say as a tradeoff for the current ailment it was worth it.

And on the bright side, I saw a large box of laundry detergent in a store last night whose name, printed in bright red letters (ala Surf or Tide) was "Barf." So I could feasibly be washing my clothes in barf tonight.

But on the non-bright side, that moment at which she said "spot on the X-ray" was a little surreal--that is, before she explained that it's probably nothing and at worst it's a little tuberculosis. You know, that moment at which you feel like you're in a movie. Sweat instantly forms on the forehead and you feel very small and insignificant. You instantly try to think of all of the unhealthy things you've done over the last year and go "D'oh!" when you realize there have been many. The word "Cancer" echoes in your mind from a thousand doctors behind a thousand desks behind a thousand closed doors.

But that's a bit extreme. Let's not write my obituary just yet.

Hey no wait, let's do that.

"Died valiantly saving Chuck Norris and Nelson Mandela from a burning snake pit while solving world hunger. Plans to regenerate and revive him as a Batman-like superhero are currently underway. He is survived by a loving family and thousands of beautiful and talented women who had hoped to be the love of his life."

But anyway.