the sheer delight - a somewhat gushier post
Everything has been happening. My very mode of operating has been going through an overhaul lately. I don't think I'm going to go to Zambia on Peace Corps after all (Reasons: Too much time gone when I want to get started on my life soon; Previous existential motivations for going have dissipated with advent of new outlook on my life; Have identified a certain tendency within myself to do things simply because I feel I "have to" do them, and I always just kind of figured I "have to" do Peace Corps again, because, well, just because.), but there are other opportunities for volunteering overseas that have come to light, and both of them require a decision within the next week. Maybe neither of them will work out. Maybe I'll change my mind back and go on PC. Maybe I'll stay right here and go back to school.
I won't go into much detail about the changes, but to my wonderment, it would seem that the heart of the thing I've been doing wrong ever since my previous framework of Christianity was uprooted has been exposing itself. It has to do with emotions and thoughts that are too big for a head that doesn't have a workable way to make sense of them. What I've been doing is holding onto these thoughts/feelings and wrapping them up in a sort of intellectual blanket, rather than letting them be what they are--painful, hideous, joyful, indulgent--following them to their fruition and then letting them go. Hence the logjam that has affected almost everything of consequence that I've done for years now. Always stilted and afraid to take either fork in the road, for its inherent benefits and shortcomings. It has to do with all kinds of childhood shit, brain tendencies, and recent history. And not to say that being this way hasn't lent itself to good things, too. It's made me more thoughtful, more tolerant, and in some ways more open. But, it's changing and that's wonderful.
Since the sun sets in Chicago around 12:39 p.m. in the winter, I stepped out for a walk a few minutes ago to grab a some rays before they're gone for the next 22 1/2 hours. Towards the end of the walk I realized that the deadness I've felt for almost 3 years now, most acutely in recent months, is itself dying. I'm FEELING things again. I'm hurting, and having revelations, and getting inspirations, and hoping and being disappointed and trying to understand love again. And I started laughing really hard. I grabbed my phone and put it to my ear so as not to appear a crazy person laughing at the air.
Thank you, girl of heartache.
***
Don't get me wrong. It still hurts and there's a long mahfuggin' way to go. But the occasional swell of good feeling from being in some way en route, well that is nice.
posted by Adam @ 12:46 PM
8 Comments:
This may seem cliche, but it really is genuine; you are not battling alone. There are many who are interceeding on your behalf. Thanks for sharing your journey.
YOU broke up with HER because she didn't have deep enough conversations with you... Your hurt is valid but tell the whole story.
I took out the sentence from whence I'm guessing you derived that protest. It sounded wrong unfair--you're right. It is imminently true that I hurt her and my lack of maturity and peace caused her a lot of pain, many times. She was loyal and caring, and I was the one who initiated the breakup, stemming as much from my own shit as anything else.
But your first sentence's wording was either willfully unfair, misguided, or a combination of the two, cuz there's a whole lot more to the 'story' that ain't going to be told here. If you're going to say that stuff then e-mail me, don't blog-comment.
I enjoyed your last post. As crazy as it sounds, your blogging seemed to have some life in it. Maybe its the subliminal hints about life, and happiness and sadness. Guess what...you are George Bailey and this is your rendition of "It's a Wonderful Life." While the circumstances are slightly different, the mood is much the same. I pictured you as you laughed crazily, running down the street saying ~
"Merry Christmas, Movie House! Merry Christmas, Emporium! Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan!"
Well cheers to you mate. Keep your head up, cause it's A Wonderful Life. (cheezy. but appropriate.)
Did someone say school? You should move to Eugene and start the Energy Management program. I bet you could hop right in and pick up next term if you wanted to. For such great classes/experiences and less than $70 per credit hour you can't get much better than that.
What's up, spaz monkey? Here I am.
Hey hey hey happy new year
read "THe Irresistable revolution" shane claibourne. itll screw you up so good you be glad you did it
it might help with some o the thhhbbnllltsss that your feeling feeling is good eh.
well, Adam, i'm by no means one of your regular readers, but I just had ta say, whenever I DO on random days like today decide to pay a quick visit to your page, I never regret it. "the dj" is so right.. your blog oozes life, Adam. real life. the ups, the downs, and the plain old middles. and it's envigorating. so glad to hear you're "in some way en route". i should really start blogging again. but not anytime in the next few hours, cus i need to go to bed.
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