i will let you down
Nothing hurts more than the loss of a romantic love.
I don't think I've blogged at all about the ins and outs of my relationships, because they always seem too personal to put out there in front of everyone. But as of last night, the final nail was put in the coffin of the longest romantic love of my life.
And it hurts like nothing else ever does. I've been sitting at work for an hour and a half now completely unable to do anything. The writing was on the wall, the relationship wasn't right, it needed to happen, blah blah blah.
But God Damn It.
I loved her so much. And after everything that had happened, I still believed with what seemed like every fiber that I could make it work. I believed that this could be a powerful catalyst for helping me to let go of things I've always wished I could let go of. I also had no idea how deep these things run when they are given time to grow. To use a completely inappropriate military analogy, my head thought I was just keeping order at a peaceful demonstration, but my heart is deeply embroiled in Vietnam.
And now this thing that is inextricably woven into my consciousness is, instead of a comfort, a constant reminder of failure and heartache. Isolated from my family because they are all so different from me and lead different lives in different states, isolated from my friends because I keep moving around and leaving them, isolated from God because I don't know if I believe in him, isolated from the world because it's a vicious place, and finally isolated from a girl who, without my realizing it for the longest time, made everything alright by her sheer existence and by her care for me.
So this is what it's like being alive.
***
Nothing makes sense. Going to Zambia for 2+ years doesn't make sense. Staying here doesn't make sense. Working doesn't make sense. Blogging doesn't make sense. Taking time off doesn't make sense because I'd have all day to stew over the hurt. Even all of the things I've learned from this and ways that I've become more free because of this don't make sense. Smoking a cigarette, now that makes sense. Anybody got anything else that makes sense?
***
2 hours now. I should be fired.
***
Maybe this can be a part of the massive something that needed to happen to euthanize the ennui in my gut that has been festering for about 3 years. Or maybe this will break me.
Nah, I don't think it'll do that.
posted by Adam @ 2:08 PM
7 Comments:
oh man.
that was a great post. it made me remember what it felt like. and you know? you should be glad that you had a love like that. they don't happen often. i haven't felt that way in over 5 years now.
you know what they say. time heals. it's true. and i think going to zambia still makes sense. well maybe it doesn't anymore. i don't know.
just don't do anything rash right now.
I am so sorry, sweetie! I love you. And your family loves you--even though they are so different (I know how that feels) and God loves you, whether you believe he exists or not(and I've believed both). And hurting doesn't make sense; that is why nothing else makes sense right now. And they might say "time heals" but that is a shitty thing for someone to say right now so ignore that comment! Crying makes sense. Being angry makes sense. Feeling disillusioned makes sense. I think you are already doing the most sensible things possible.
sometimes washing dishes makes sense. At least you can see the results of your work.
Adam it took a great deal of work for me to poop today. that is because yeaterday I had a lot of Maui ribs, boy are they good. Now here, are some things that make serious sense, if it is made of animal flesh and you eat lots of it it will be tough on the exit. if things that are cooked for the purpose of nurishment and tastful enjoyment are both heart warming and biologically cathartic, if I am making comments on your blog God must be on the move because I don't possess natural manifested motivation or patience with this dial up conecction that has held solid for an hour. deus ex machina
lover boy keep you heads up.
Joshua
Sorry about your loving woes. Its a bitch and I wish I wasn't in the same camp as you because it sucks, it fucking hurts, and its an ever present misery that always seems to nag and eat at you. The other day I came across a quote: "unrequited love is hell for hope burns eternal." Its damnably true! I don't know your situation exactly but I feel for you because when the life you were working towards falls apart the only thing you can feel is empty and helpless with some god-awful sense of regret that never seems to shake away from you. Its taken four months for me and being half a world away just to begin to put it all behind me. I hope it takes you less! I hope some of this blurting makes sense.
Thanks for the good word(s).
Thanks for the post Adam, you seriously reminded me how much I love my wife. Thanks!...and Adam (I know this probably wont help) things don't always have to make sense right away. Once they play out for awhile then maybe they will make since.
Your cool
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